Hide the Women and Children

Lemme tell you how we do things around here. We. Don't. Fuck. Around. We're not like them folks in VA. We don't let a crazy murderer wander around for two hours and not even warn anyone. When we get as little as fucking tranny wandering around near a school we lock shit down. Our kids aren't going to be anywhere near that perversion.

Guns? Meh.


I wish, wish, wish that I was totally making this up.

From the Detroit News...

BLOOMFIELD HILLS -- A lockdown at Cranbrook Schools has been lifted this morning after about an hour of searching for a man reportedly walking near the campus in high-heeled shoes and a wig.

Police were called 8:15 a.m. and officers searched the campus looking for the man, Bloomfield Hills Police said, but did not find him.

The man did not approach students while near the campus. More information about the man and what he was wearing were not available.

Cranbrook officials were not available for comment.

Detroitster!

You know, I've mentioned the weather in Detroit before and you all probably thought, "whatever, he's just exaggerating." Well, here in pictorial fashion is the difference between April in DC and April in Detroit.

[aside: Sorry for the DC vs. Detroit stuff but it's the most obvious comparison. We were in both places this week]

APRIL IN DC

The sun was shining, the birds were out, the cherry trees were blooming, it was 80 degrees and I was dancing to the Bangles. I know that I once wrote for WIH8DC, but honestly, DC in the spring is pretty goddam nice.



APRIL IN DETROIT

That white stuff? Yeah, it's snow. So much snow in the air that you can't even see. There's nothing like snow in April to make you feel like celebrating re-birth and all that other shit. Happy fucking Easter indeed.

All I have to say about this is that I'm glad that Jesus wasn't crucified in Detroit. On the third day he would have risen from the dead according to the scriptures, rolled the stone away from his grave, looked out at the snow and then he probably would have said "Snow? In April? Screw that, I'm going back to dead."

You Better Watch Your Back

What do you think when someone says, "Detroit?" Well, you probably think "crime." Me too.

Aside: as a new word, don't you think we should use "mee" to mean "me too?" I think it makes perfect sense and I'm going to start using it. Just watch

Well, you are absolutely right about the horrible, scary, violent, dangerous crime. Especially here in Crotchester.

Today is the first installment in a new feature: Excerpts From The Terrifying Rochester Crime Report

1. Citations given to minors in possesion of alcohol
   ROCHESTER - According to a police report, officers were dispatched to a fight at a residence on Parkdale Avenue March 3 at 1:50 AM
   
   When officers arrived, they could hear yelling from the home. Upon entering, they observed between 12 and 16 people in the living area of the home. Beer cans and liquor bottles littered the area. The renters verified that a verbal altercation had taken place when several unwanted people had entered the home; the unwanted people had left by the time police arrived. Several citations were given to people under the age of 21 who registered a blood alcohol content.
   
   Holy shit. What would we do here in Rochester without our vigilant police breaking up mind-bendingly clicheed rich-kid antics? I feel safer already



2. Patrol car hits deer
   ROCHESTER HILLS - According to a police report, a Sheriff's Office patrol car struck a deer while traveling south on Rochester Road near Wimberley at 2:08 a.m. Feb. 25.
   
   The driver was not injured in the collision, the report states.
   
   What would we do here in Rochester without our vigilant police battling the scourge of deer trying to cross local roads? I feel safer already!



3. Garage door forced open, wine taken
   ROCHESTER HILLS - A police report states that the garage entry door to a home in the 100 block of Ana Maria Drive was forced open sometime between Feb 10 and 16.
   
   A blunt object, like a screwdriver, had been used to force the door open. A dog dish was broken and wine was missing from the house, the report states.
   
   We have high-class thieves around here I guess, stealing wine. He probably used a gold-encrusted screwdriver too.



4. Items taken from vehicle in garage
   
   ROCHESTER - A 57-year-old Rochester man reported a theft from his vehicle sometime between 1 a.m. and 5 a.m. Feb. 27 on Creek Point Drive.
   
   According to the victim, he left his garage door open and the doors to his 2007 Jeep unlocked. Three cell phones and a work briefcase containing the victim's wallet, driver's license and credit cards were taken. The case has been referred to the detective's bureau for further investigation.
   
   What kind of town did we move into? You can't even leave your cell phones, wallet, credit cards and briefcase in your unlocked car in your open garage??? That is some dangerous shit right there. Good thing this scary case is being investigated by detectives. Our tax dollars at work right there. I feel safer already.




5. Home on North Hill Circle Forcibly Entered
   ROCHESTER - A police report states that sometime between 6 p.m. and 8 p.m. on March 1, someone forcibly entered a home on North Hill Circle.
   
   A check of the home found that $10 to $20 in spare change and a $20 oscillating fan were taken. There are no suspects in the case.
   
   No suspects? I think that this one should be referred to the detectives bureau too. I mean, we're talking about enough loose change to pay the deposit on 100 TO 200 BOTTLES AND CANS! That is a lot of cans!

I will make sure that this important crime log is a regular feature here. I know you all want to be kept up to date on the petty crimes and deer deaths that happen in Rochester. I feel safer already.

Corpses Galore!

This is just getting a little too weird. First there's the torso that turns up in a house a few miles Crotchester. Now this. Apparently some woman in Canton Townshit stored her dead roommate's body in her living room (under a big pile of dirty laundry both literally and figuratively I suppose) and extorted money from her dead roommate's parents saying that their daughter really needed it for important expenses. She ended up getting about $2,000 in drug money from them.

WTF? This is the second corpse, or part of a corpse, found in suburban homes in the Detroit area in the past week. What is wrong with these people? And does dirty laundry really cover up the smell of a seriously autolyzed body? Maybe if you shit all over in the dirty clothes, but that smell is no good either. It's just so fucking bizarre.

If I turn up as a corpse, don't blame anybody but Michigan. It must be in the water here, or something.

In Which We Try To Offend

So, as we approach the one week mark here in the Greater Detroit Metro Area, we realized that we're probably going to be writing about this area relatively often. In order to properly do this I need to be offensive. In order to be properly offensive I need to come up with derogatory names for the various cities and towns around here. You know, like in DC we would say Manasshole, or Fairfucks or The Shitstrict. But you see, there's a lot of ridiculous little towns around here and I need some help. Now some of them write themselves, but others I don't have any ideas. Please help me out here so I can equally offend people from all over.

I'm not even going to try to come up with something for the actual city of Detroit. What could be worse than calling a city "Detroit?" Maybe I should just call everything Detroit? That's pretty damn offensive. But anyway, here's the list. Please give me suggestions.

Rochester = Crotchester

Rochester Hills = Crotchester Hells

Shelby Township (or any township, and there is a shipload of them) = Shelby Townshit

Pontiac = Pontiass

Royal Oak = ???

Dearborn = Dearburn?? (needs improvement)

Sterling Heights = Sterling Bites

Grosse Pointe = Fucking Frenchville

Southfield = Shitfield

Troy = ???

Warren = Borin' (lame, I know)

Livonia = ????

Farmington = Fuckington

Farmington Hills = Fuckington Hells

Hamtramck = Ham Sandwich?

Come on, help me out here people! Here's a link to a map of the area. Pick a town and fire away.

Detroit

Boy, What a Cut Up!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that crime in Detroit is bad. So is it in most cities. But I wasn't prepared for this. A crazy dude just miles from our new place in posh (read "there's everything you need here! Target, Chili's, Whole Foods, TGIFriday's AND Applebeees!)Rochester chopped his wife up, tossed her body parts all over a park and ran up north (where it's cold, in case you didn't know that) wearing only a light jacket (I assume he was wearing pants, but the news only ever says the thing about the light jacket) and hid in a wilderness area curled up under a tree and then he almost died of frostbite.

Welcome to Michigan! Home of crazy wife killers! Just for a clearer picture of this, I've created the following chart showing statistics on the number of wife torsos dismembered by crazy husbands in the last week in the suburbs of the three major metro areas in which I've lived. That I know of. I think this speaks for itself.

Let Me Be Your Beast of Burden

I am moving tomorrow.

To Detroit.

Well, actually to the lily white suburb of Rochester. Does that count as Detroit?

I think I might hate it already.