You Better Watch Your Back

What do you think when someone says, "Detroit?" Well, you probably think "crime." Me too.

Aside: as a new word, don't you think we should use "mee" to mean "me too?" I think it makes perfect sense and I'm going to start using it. Just watch

Well, you are absolutely right about the horrible, scary, violent, dangerous crime. Especially here in Crotchester.

Today is the first installment in a new feature: Excerpts From The Terrifying Rochester Crime Report

1. Citations given to minors in possesion of alcohol
   ROCHESTER - According to a police report, officers were dispatched to a fight at a residence on Parkdale Avenue March 3 at 1:50 AM
   
   When officers arrived, they could hear yelling from the home. Upon entering, they observed between 12 and 16 people in the living area of the home. Beer cans and liquor bottles littered the area. The renters verified that a verbal altercation had taken place when several unwanted people had entered the home; the unwanted people had left by the time police arrived. Several citations were given to people under the age of 21 who registered a blood alcohol content.
   
   Holy shit. What would we do here in Rochester without our vigilant police breaking up mind-bendingly clicheed rich-kid antics? I feel safer already



2. Patrol car hits deer
   ROCHESTER HILLS - According to a police report, a Sheriff's Office patrol car struck a deer while traveling south on Rochester Road near Wimberley at 2:08 a.m. Feb. 25.
   
   The driver was not injured in the collision, the report states.
   
   What would we do here in Rochester without our vigilant police battling the scourge of deer trying to cross local roads? I feel safer already!



3. Garage door forced open, wine taken
   ROCHESTER HILLS - A police report states that the garage entry door to a home in the 100 block of Ana Maria Drive was forced open sometime between Feb 10 and 16.
   
   A blunt object, like a screwdriver, had been used to force the door open. A dog dish was broken and wine was missing from the house, the report states.
   
   We have high-class thieves around here I guess, stealing wine. He probably used a gold-encrusted screwdriver too.



4. Items taken from vehicle in garage
   
   ROCHESTER - A 57-year-old Rochester man reported a theft from his vehicle sometime between 1 a.m. and 5 a.m. Feb. 27 on Creek Point Drive.
   
   According to the victim, he left his garage door open and the doors to his 2007 Jeep unlocked. Three cell phones and a work briefcase containing the victim's wallet, driver's license and credit cards were taken. The case has been referred to the detective's bureau for further investigation.
   
   What kind of town did we move into? You can't even leave your cell phones, wallet, credit cards and briefcase in your unlocked car in your open garage??? That is some dangerous shit right there. Good thing this scary case is being investigated by detectives. Our tax dollars at work right there. I feel safer already.




5. Home on North Hill Circle Forcibly Entered
   ROCHESTER - A police report states that sometime between 6 p.m. and 8 p.m. on March 1, someone forcibly entered a home on North Hill Circle.
   
   A check of the home found that $10 to $20 in spare change and a $20 oscillating fan were taken. There are no suspects in the case.
   
   No suspects? I think that this one should be referred to the detectives bureau too. I mean, we're talking about enough loose change to pay the deposit on 100 TO 200 BOTTLES AND CANS! That is a lot of cans!

I will make sure that this important crime log is a regular feature here. I know you all want to be kept up to date on the petty crimes and deer deaths that happen in Rochester. I feel safer already.